Arguing and relationship seem to go hand in hand, so how do you know if your relationship is in trouble?

Scientific research in the area of marriage and relationship can be helpful in understanding the differences between �healthy� conflict and destructive patterns of interaction. John Gottman, Ph.D. studied hundreds of couples to better understand the link between how couples argue and their level of relationship distress.

Here is a summary of findings from John Gottman�s �Love� research:

� Happy couples had a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative exchanges.

� Most Relationships have unresolved issues (69%) but what was most significant was how couples handled the emotion around disagreement.

� Mismatches in the philosophy of emotional expression were predictive of relationship trouble (basic types of emotional expression were: volatile, validating, and avoiding).

� Anger did not predict relationship problems but criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling did, with contempt being the strongest indicator.

� Inability to calm down or de-escalate conflict predicted relationship trouble.

� Men are quicker to flood emotionally during conflict and need more time to calm down; men also tended to withdraw or stonewall to resist emotional flooding.

GRIDLOCK

Relationship distress is typically experienced as a negative pattern of interaction where each partner is entrenched in their position, feels hurt, and tends to blame or strike out at the other partner. Being stuck in this type of relationship pattern is called gridlock. The most common patterns of gridlock are: pursue/withdraw and attack/defend, although some couples may also display withdraw/withdraw or attack/attack patterns. Relationship gridlock brings with it behaviors and feelings for each partner that often seem similar to previous relationships or childhood experience. Attachment research tells us that this sense of �deja vu� comes from our unconscious reuse of relationship skills that we learned in childhood. Whether developed in childhood or reshaped by later experience, each one of us relies on a unique internal model of relationship that guides our expectations and beliefs. Mismatched beliefs and emotional expectations can lead to deep misunderstanding and ultimately to relationship gridlock.

GETTING UNSTUCK

Gridlock presents a couple with a repeating pattern of unresolved conflict. Most typically, one partner demands or criticizes and the other distances physically and/or emotionally. With gridlock there are two key issues; a repeating behavioral cycle and a scarcity of supportive, positive emotion. Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT) is an empirically validated approach that helps couples break gridlock and re-establish relationship balance.

The basic steps in emotionally focused counseling are:

1. Identify the repeating cycle of negative interaction and name it as the mutual �enemy�.

2. Uncover the core emotions and needs that drive each person to attack, pursue, defend, or withdraw.

3. Increase positive interaction (re-engage) by understanding and respecting each person's individual needs and fears.

4. Remap interaction to avoid the negative cycle and to more successfully accommodate each person's needs (this takes negotiation and practice).

Telephone Counseling?

The steps suggested to break gridlock are simple and logical but managing the process of change without a skilled and objective �coach� may be difficult. A counselor acts as a process consultant, guiding couple interaction away from negative patterns, facilitating emotional engagement, and amplifying expressions of trust and connection.

With telephone counseling individual sessions are used to determine each partner�s needs, perceptions, and role in patterned conflict. The amount of counseling time for each partner is a personal decision. If only one partner chooses to communicate more with the counselor, they then act as the �facilitator�, taking notes and sharing questions, insights and homework with the other partner. Homework - Couples are given structured exercises to practice between counseling sessions. These exercises are designed to facilitate positive interaction and help the couple learn how to skillfully de-escalate conflict. The nice thing about telephone counseling is that the couple decides how much time each person commits to the process and more time with the counselor can be requested when problems arise.

Ninety percent of couples report significant relationship improvement when using an emotionally focused method of counseling. The advantage is that painful patterns of conflict can be avoided when partners learn how to �pull together� rather than �pull apart�.

If you would like to discuss how this approach might benefit your relationship, click on my profile to schedule a Free Consultation.

Colleen A. McCann, MBA, MSW, LGSW